November 1st, 2012


Today I am having one of those "I hate life" days. I just can't get over the lack of energy I have to do ANYTHING most days. I don't feel like the Remeron I'm on is really doing anything for my depression. It seems like all it does is give me the shakes and makes me a zombie in the morning.

I can't get over how bad I physically feel after seven weeks in the hospital. The embolization really fucked me up. It seriously feels like my lungs are glued to my ribcage. I can feel them twitch and pop everytime I move a certain way or breathe a certain way. It really disgusts me sometimes. When I lay down at night and listen to my breathing and I can't make the "snap, crackle, and pop" go away. Drives me nuts.

Life really has gone to shit and it's hard for me to focus on the good things I have when the shitty things are SO in my face. Even though I'm at home, I still can't sleep through the night. I have to set an alarm and wake myself up so that I can drink a supplement and try to gain weight in my sleep. It's really getting ridiculous.

I'm Debbie Downer tonight, but I've been trying to be positive for so long, I think I deserve to be a little negative once in a while and share my feelings on how this shit REALLY blows. I mean, REALLY REALLY BLOWS. People tell me that I'm strong and courageous, but honestly, I don't feel that way. ANYONE would be doing this if it were handed to them, and many, many people have. I don't feel that this is any different that what all my other Cfers have gone through.

It looks horrible on paper. TRIPLE ORGAN TRANSPLANT. Triple. As if the double-lung wasn't scary enough. I think my liver just felt left out or something. Apparently my kidneys were just dying to join the party as well.

I went to Cf clinic yesterday. My lung function is at 24%, which is right around my baseline of 25%, so that's good. No word back yet on what my Createnine level was from the bloodwork, I'll call tomorrow and find out. They weren't too thrilled to learn that I had lost weight since leaving the hospital, but I expected that to happen as well. At least it appears that my nighttime feedings are paying off. I dropped to 105lbs, held steady there for a few days and then started climbing upward again yesterday, so we'll see how this goes.

I wish I could figure out why I'm having such a shitty mood day today. Nothing special about today aside from any other day. I don't like being this way. I lash out at people that I love when I'm like this, and I can't afford to do that. I have a shortage of people here.

I think I just hate being so immobilized and trapped here. I'm trapped in my own body and there are so many things that I used to want to do, but now I look at them with heavy eyes. EVERYTHING is a complete task. Showering, eating, putting clothes on, sitting down, getting up, getting out of bed, getting IN to bed... It literally takes me about five minutes to catch my breath after getting into bed and getting into a somewhat laying down position.

I'm just hating life right now and I'm tired of fighting. I wish there were some sort of respite, but there is nothing in the near future. I'm afraid this is an uphill battle for quite a while. I really can't wait until it's all over with. At least the really hard parts.

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