May 13th, 2012

Ambition Exhaustion

It seems rare these days that I actually have the ambition and/or stamina to do simple household chores. Today was one of those days where I surprised even myself at how much I accomplished. I honestly don't think anyone had cleaned our bathroom AT ALL before we moved in. There are things that needed to be done right after we moved in here in March, but I just hadn't had the ambition to do them. You know, little things like cleaning the vent fan in the bathroom or removing and washing light fixtures. Little things that will be okay if you ignore them, but kinda bug you for a second when you sit and think about it.

Today, I cleaned the entire bathroom minus the tub/shower (usually makes my lungs bleed). I cleaned most of the kitchen, minus the oven and inside of the fridge. I also managed to put together a pot roast for dinner this evening and slice and freeze some HUGE bell peppers that I had been meaning to do for a while now.

This might not seem like a lot to most people, but my 95-year-old body feels every second of it now. I wanted to bake brownies but I could barely stand in front of the microwave to watch the popcorn pop.

I have to be honest, this day had me a bit depressed so I thought I would keep myself busy to keep my mind off things. I called my mother and we spoke for about 20 minutes. I touched a little on my depression and the main reason behind it. It's really hard for me to believe that if I had been able to keep my little girl, she would have been inside me for seven months now. I miss her everyday and truly don't believe that I will ever stop, at least not until she returns to me (God willing).

I always knew people that had lost babies or were forced to terminate for medical reasons, and I always felt badly for them, but I don't feel like I really understood such loss. I watched my father on his deathbed and was there after he had died. I know deep loss, but I had NEVER felt anything like the loss of a child.

I hate feeling like I have all this love to give someone if they are just willing to accept it or if I am just given the opportunity to give it freely. I hate feeling that most people are jaded by the time they are in their late 20s, have already gone through horrible relationships and are now considered "damaged goods". I hate feeling like I spend more time trying to fix a relationship than I am IN the damned thing.

I'm tired. I'm ALWAYS tired. In one way or another. Do other Cfers feel like this when they are close to "the end"? This is old yet so new to me. Large parts of me just want it all to be over. I have more than enough means to end myself, if that was what I truly wanted, but I have this damned hope. I have hope that things will get better, at some point. I have hope that my life will get better and I will be able to live more fully after I go through some really horrible shit first. It's almost like I have to pay the toll before I can cross the bridge. Unfortunately, it's a pretty hefty toll with a possibility of being denied access.

I wish I had more profound words. I wish that there was some sort of "awakening" that came with such grief. Perhaps there has been? I don't know. I do know that my views of the world and the people around me have definitely changed. I know that it has become easier to let things go and to accept change more easily than ever in the past.

Enough rambling. My chapstick is working nicely and it's time for me to sign out. Goodnight all. :-)


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